Freyja's Voice

     When I accidentally became pregnant, I was 27 and alone on holiday in a foreign country. I met a man there. After a few months of dating, I decided didn't want to be in a long-term relationship with him. When I found out I was pregnant it was a complete shock, as we had used one form of contraception, which had obviously failed.

     I felt overwhelmed, fearful, and anxious. My first thought was, 'What will I do?' Naturally, I decided to ring my mum first and tell her the news. She was furious and told me I had to sort it out myself. I don't blame her much, as I was supposed to be a responsible adult by now. My partner took things better; actually, he was very pleased about the fact I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I had a ticket booked to return to my home country in just over a month time, which left little time to secure our relationship.

     Quite soon after finding out I was pregnant, I started to suffer from severe sickness. So much so that I couldn't eat anything without throwing up. I had heard of morning sickness, but this was far worse. I looked it up online and discovered I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum. My partner suggested I get a check-up at the nearest woman's health clinic. So, we went to get a full examination. It turned out I was 5 weeks pregnant and I got to see my baby for the first time on the ultrasound. They asked me if I planned to keep it and I answered that I wasn't sure. But, I was very sick and felt like a termination was an increasing possibility.

     As the days went by, I spent most of my time trying to not think about it. As horrible as it sounds now, I just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. I only realise now that by doing so, I wasted time not facing the most important decision I had to make in my life so far.

     Eventually I went back to the clinic to enquire more about the termination procedure. I told my partner, and although he wasn't too thrilled at the thought of me going through with it, after seeing me sick with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, his opinion shifted slightly. I left with a booking to have a termination in a couple of days’ time.

     As the day approached, I suddenly backed out. I felt the best option would be to get it done in my home country, where I'd feel safer and more comfortable. (The procedure was actually illegal in the country I was in).

     Even though my sickness made the travel more difficult, when I was finally back home, things were better. I was away from a man that I didn't feel happy with and amazingly my symptoms had eased. I still planned to have the termination, but now I was even more hesitant than before.

     My mum, on the other hand, was completely against me having the baby. She said we couldn't afford it - we live together in rented accommodation on low income wages. If I continued the pregnancy, she told me I would have to move out and become a single mother. Of course, that was the response I expected from her. But looking back now, I feel like some support from might of altered my decision.

    I wish most of all that I could change the final part of my story. If I could, I wouldn't be writing this for you now. Instead, I would be a first-time mother with her newborn son or daughter.

I had the termination at 9 weeks of pregnancy.

     The operation was quick and painless. However, the day after I returned from hospital, I instantly felt something was very wrong. This pain in my heart was unbearable.

     The realisation fully dawned on me that I had killed my innocent baby. I felt like my world had ended. What had I done? My tears were endless in the coming days, weeks, and months.

     Looking back now I just wish I had valued my baby's life and said to myself, "I can do this no matter what!"

      Now I've had time to process everything and my due date has passed. I strongly feel that my baby's life was more important. Yes, it was unplanned; and yes, I would have had to suffer through sickness; but all life is a precious gift.
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     I hope by reading my experience other woman in similar circumstances listen to their heart and don’t let anything get in the way of the only thing that actually matters - the life of your unborn child.