I chose abortion twice in my life and I have lived to regret those decisions. My abortions did not resolve any of the fears I had in being pregnant. In reality, I exchanged one set of problems for another whose result could never be changed. I chose the death of my children as a solution to the life circumstances I found myself in at the time.
I was 27 years old and in a relationship with a married colleague when I became pregnant. I thought he was the love of my life. When the reality of the pregnancy hit, discussions of the impact on both our circumstances became more than a pipe dream.
Would he lose his job? Could I tell my parents? Was his marriage over? In my terror, I hoped he would support me. This was not the case. Without his support, I felt abandoned and alone. For a very brief time I acknowledged I was having our baby. But when the support was withdrawn and when he walked away, I also walked away from my baby. My baby became my enemy and abortion seemed the only answer.
The doctor didn’t realise at the time that my pregnancy was a twin pregnancy. I had the surgical procedure. One baby was removed but the other survived. 10 weeks after the procedure, I went to the BPAS referral offce in Glasgow to ask why my period had not returned. It was only then that I discovered I was still pregnant. The doctor who examined me asked if I had had a surgical abortion. When I said yes, he asked if a colleague could examine me. I was examined again, and the second doctor said I was approximately 20 weeks gestation. One doctor told me I was pregnant and the other said there was something in my womb. They sent me for a scan.
I was in shock. My biggest fear was becoming a reality. To this day, I don't know how I got to the hospital. I found the department and a very kind, understanding nurse explained what was going to happen and reassured me that everything would be ok. She told me to watch the screen as she put the jelly on my stomach. That was the moment my denial was broken. I saw a baby, 20 weeks 4 days old, a heart that was beating and little arms and legs moving excitedly. I saw my baby. I was struck by horror of what I had done