'MY BABY BECAME MY ENEMY
ABORTION SEEMED THE ONLY ANSWER'
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I chose abortion twice in my life and I have lived to regret those decisions. My abortions did not resolve any of the fears I had in being pregnant. In reality, I exchanged one set of problems for another whose result could never be changed. I chose the death of my children as a solution to the life circumstances I found myself in at the time.
I was 27 years old and in a relationship with a married colleague when I became pregnant. I thought he was the love of my life. When the reality of the pregnancy hit, discussions of the impact on both our circumstances became more than a pipe dream. Would he lose his job? Could I tell my parents? Was his marriage over? In my terror, I hoped he would support me. This was not the case. Without his support, I felt abandoned and alone. For a very brief time I acknowledged I was having our baby. But when the support was withdrawn and when he walked away, I also walked away from my baby. My baby became my enemy and abortion seemed the only answer. |
My family GP confrmed the pregnancy but did not discuss my situation, my fears or what the options were for continuing the pregnancy. I left the surgery with an ever-increasing feeling of terror.
A friend suggested I call the British Pregnancy Advisory Service, a private abortion clinic based in Liverpool, and see how I feel after speaking to them. The counsellor on the phone fed into my fears and denial. The ‘counselling’ only consisted of two questions: Did I think I could cope and was I in a supported situation. My answer to both was no. I asked whether, at 10 weeks, it was a baby. They said no, it was just a blob of cells. That was my get-out clause: if it wasn't a baby yet I wasn't doing anything wrong. I could get my life back and no one need ever know; I could keep this a secret. They did not say much about the procedure, except that I would be given a general anaesthetic, would stay overnight to ensure all was well, and would travel home the next day. There was no mention of any emotional impact, psychological distress or physical problems. It felt as if they were giving me my life back. I was so relieved.
For the next nine years I lived in denial. I told myself, 'it wasn't a baby'. Life was very different. I was emotionally numb; life was neither good or bad, happy or sad! I focused solely my job, but often felt empty inside in a way I could not put into words. I became anorexic. I was promiscuous, and my personal relationships with men were toxic - I wanted to hurt my partners the way I had been hurt. I couldn't trust them or myself. All this time, I didn’t acknowledge that these problems were related to my abortion.
After my mother died, I took the risk of unprotected intercourse in another toxic relationship and found myself in the same position as before. I couldn't believe history was repeating itself; I had vowed I would never find myself in that situation again. I was now 37 and the shame, fear and panic seemed even more intense than before. But I knew what to do, where to go and that going early enough it wouldn't be a baby. I went back to the same BPAS clinic, went through the same procedure and was asked the same questions – nearly word for word.
A friend suggested I call the British Pregnancy Advisory Service, a private abortion clinic based in Liverpool, and see how I feel after speaking to them. The counsellor on the phone fed into my fears and denial. The ‘counselling’ only consisted of two questions: Did I think I could cope and was I in a supported situation. My answer to both was no. I asked whether, at 10 weeks, it was a baby. They said no, it was just a blob of cells. That was my get-out clause: if it wasn't a baby yet I wasn't doing anything wrong. I could get my life back and no one need ever know; I could keep this a secret. They did not say much about the procedure, except that I would be given a general anaesthetic, would stay overnight to ensure all was well, and would travel home the next day. There was no mention of any emotional impact, psychological distress or physical problems. It felt as if they were giving me my life back. I was so relieved.
For the next nine years I lived in denial. I told myself, 'it wasn't a baby'. Life was very different. I was emotionally numb; life was neither good or bad, happy or sad! I focused solely my job, but often felt empty inside in a way I could not put into words. I became anorexic. I was promiscuous, and my personal relationships with men were toxic - I wanted to hurt my partners the way I had been hurt. I couldn't trust them or myself. All this time, I didn’t acknowledge that these problems were related to my abortion.
After my mother died, I took the risk of unprotected intercourse in another toxic relationship and found myself in the same position as before. I couldn't believe history was repeating itself; I had vowed I would never find myself in that situation again. I was now 37 and the shame, fear and panic seemed even more intense than before. But I knew what to do, where to go and that going early enough it wouldn't be a baby. I went back to the same BPAS clinic, went through the same procedure and was asked the same questions – nearly word for word.
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The doctor didn’t realise at the time that my pregnancy was a twin pregnancy. I had the surgical procedure. One baby was removed but the other survived. 10 weeks after the procedure, I went to the BPAS referral offce in Glasgow to ask why my period had not returned. It was only then that I discovered I was still pregnant. The doctor who examined me asked if I had had a surgical abortion. When I said yes, he asked if a colleague could examine me. I was examined again, and the second doctor said I was approximately 20 weeks gestation. One doctor told me I was pregnant and the other said there was something in my womb. They sent me for a scan.
I was in shock. My biggest fear was becoming a reality. To this day, I don't know how I got to the hospital. I found the department and a very kind, understanding nurse explained what was going to happen and reassured me that everything would be ok. She told me to watch the screen as she put the jelly on my stomach. That was the moment my denial was broken. I saw a baby, 20 weeks 4 days old, a heart that was beating and little arms and legs moving excitedly. I saw my baby. I was struck by horror of what I had done |
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nine years before. The realisation made me feel dirty, guilty, and unforgivable. When I contacted BPAS to confirm I was still pregnant, I was told, "you are still within the legal limit of 28 weeks. We can give you another abortion". I told them there was no way I would be having another abortion, I had seen my baby and I would be continuing with my pregnancy. At that point they could not tell me why I was still pregnant. Nothing like this had happened in their experience. I did not want an answer from them; I had seen the truth and although frightened and unsure, I knew this baby would live!
My daughter Pamela was born 4 months later. I was anxious that I might not have that mothering instinct, an anxiety rooted in my experience of abortion. I did bond with her. From that day, I began another journey in healing. I grieved the two children I aborted. I looked at the destructive patterns in my life, so that I would never again choose death as a solution to life's problems. Pamela is married now and had her first child, my grandchild. This was a precious time. But it was also tinged with sadness because if my aborted sons (in the healing process I believed them to be boys) had lived, I would have known them, loved them and had many similar family experiences. I not only cut their lives short, but also that of my family.
My daughter Pamela was born 4 months later. I was anxious that I might not have that mothering instinct, an anxiety rooted in my experience of abortion. I did bond with her. From that day, I began another journey in healing. I grieved the two children I aborted. I looked at the destructive patterns in my life, so that I would never again choose death as a solution to life's problems. Pamela is married now and had her first child, my grandchild. This was a precious time. But it was also tinged with sadness because if my aborted sons (in the healing process I believed them to be boys) had lived, I would have known them, loved them and had many similar family experiences. I not only cut their lives short, but also that of my family.