'I CRIED FROM DEPTHS
I NEVER KNEW I POSSESSED'
I grew up going to Catholic school. I had many friends, consistently got good grades, and was involved with most extracurricular activities on offer. I was willing to try most things once. My older brother had the same spirit of searching, which led him to try many things he shouldn’t have at a young age. My parents became worried about him and spent much of their time encouraging him to find new friends, break old habits, and make better decisions.
In the meantime, I became a teenager and their attention was turned away from me. As a young teenager, I enjoyed this. I was the friend with the latest curfew and the one who could stay out the whole weekend and not be questioned whilst still maintaining my ‘high achiever’ among my family and teachers. It wasn’t long until this freedom took me to harmful places. At the age of 12, I started abusing cigarettes and alcohol.
By the time I was 14, I had lost my virginity. Once I was no longer a virgin, I thought it didn’t matter anymore. I thought I could keep giving myself away without consequences. In my final year of high school, just shy of turning 16, I discovered I was pregnant. I knew for a couple of weeks before I took the test, but I wasn’t ready to admit to myself yet. I was in denial and went into auto-pilot. I don’t remember considering anything other than abortion. Even though I had just studied abortion in class and said I could never do that, the shock took over. Before I knew it, I was sat in Connexions (a sexual health clinic) taking a pregnancy test. I had to skip school for the afternoon to go there. I was worried that they would call up the school - or even my parents – knowing that I was only 15.
In the meantime, I became a teenager and their attention was turned away from me. As a young teenager, I enjoyed this. I was the friend with the latest curfew and the one who could stay out the whole weekend and not be questioned whilst still maintaining my ‘high achiever’ among my family and teachers. It wasn’t long until this freedom took me to harmful places. At the age of 12, I started abusing cigarettes and alcohol.
By the time I was 14, I had lost my virginity. Once I was no longer a virgin, I thought it didn’t matter anymore. I thought I could keep giving myself away without consequences. In my final year of high school, just shy of turning 16, I discovered I was pregnant. I knew for a couple of weeks before I took the test, but I wasn’t ready to admit to myself yet. I was in denial and went into auto-pilot. I don’t remember considering anything other than abortion. Even though I had just studied abortion in class and said I could never do that, the shock took over. Before I knew it, I was sat in Connexions (a sexual health clinic) taking a pregnancy test. I had to skip school for the afternoon to go there. I was worried that they would call up the school - or even my parents – knowing that I was only 15.
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They did neither. The counsellor and nurse made me feel like I was just another reckless teenager. They encouraged me to agree for them to schedule an abortion. They didn’t discuss any other options with me. The next few days were a blur. I don’t remember dwelling on it much, other than one night I burst out crying to my brother and didn’t know why. I lied and said I had fallen out with a friend at school. I look back at that moment as my conscience crying out for me to make a different choice. I didn’t listen to it. On Saturday the 15th of December 2007, after telling my parents I was going to a friend’s house, I took two buses to Marie Stopes to have a termination.
It was busy inside and there were all different types of people, most of whom were older than me. That gave me some comfort. I thought if people like that had abortions, then it must be okay. |
I didn’t know much about what was going to happen. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I knew that I would have a surgical abortion, but other than that, I waited to be guided. The first surprise was being taken to have an ultrasound scan. I remember thinking it was cruel to put someone through that who would never have a baby. They explained that they had to check the gestation, and that they would turn the screen away from me. It wasn’t the happy moment I’d imagined I’d have when having my first ultrasound. I went back to the waiting area with the other women.
I remember the tension in that room. Everyone was avoiding eye contact with each other. I was given a robe to change into and was really embarrassed when the nurse walked me down the corridor in it. I saw the bed and stirrups. That’s when I decided to switch off in order to go through with it. I vowed to myself that I would get on with it. It would be over so quickly; I could leave that afternoon and would never have to think about this experience again.
I went through the abortion under local anaesthetic. I was awake during the procedure and didn’t experience much pain. I remember being horrified when the doctor came in and it was a man. I thought maybe I should have been warned about that. It breaks my heart thinking about my 15-year-old self on that day: travelling, signing papers, having an ultrasound, and having an abortion alone. I wasn’t old enough to be given paracetamol in school without my parents’ permission, yet I could go through something so life-altering without them ever knowing.
After the abortion, I had to wait for the anaesthetic to wear off before I could leave. My stomach was cramping and I was given a hot water bottle to put across it. After what felt like a lifetime, I lied about being picked up down the road so that I could leave alone. I walked to a friend’s house about 45 minutes away. By the time I arrived, I was in so much pain that I said I needed to go for a nap. I was so determined to get on with my normal life that I wanted to go out that evening. The more I drank, the more pain I was in and the more I sobbed. I was frustrated at myself because I had promised to never think about it again. After the struggle of that night, I kept that promise for a few years. I didn’t think about the experience of that day, although I would always struggle around that time of year.
I remember the tension in that room. Everyone was avoiding eye contact with each other. I was given a robe to change into and was really embarrassed when the nurse walked me down the corridor in it. I saw the bed and stirrups. That’s when I decided to switch off in order to go through with it. I vowed to myself that I would get on with it. It would be over so quickly; I could leave that afternoon and would never have to think about this experience again.
I went through the abortion under local anaesthetic. I was awake during the procedure and didn’t experience much pain. I remember being horrified when the doctor came in and it was a man. I thought maybe I should have been warned about that. It breaks my heart thinking about my 15-year-old self on that day: travelling, signing papers, having an ultrasound, and having an abortion alone. I wasn’t old enough to be given paracetamol in school without my parents’ permission, yet I could go through something so life-altering without them ever knowing.
After the abortion, I had to wait for the anaesthetic to wear off before I could leave. My stomach was cramping and I was given a hot water bottle to put across it. After what felt like a lifetime, I lied about being picked up down the road so that I could leave alone. I walked to a friend’s house about 45 minutes away. By the time I arrived, I was in so much pain that I said I needed to go for a nap. I was so determined to get on with my normal life that I wanted to go out that evening. The more I drank, the more pain I was in and the more I sobbed. I was frustrated at myself because I had promised to never think about it again. After the struggle of that night, I kept that promise for a few years. I didn’t think about the experience of that day, although I would always struggle around that time of year.
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After a while, through a friendship I made, I would find myself in conversations about abortion. I was so closed off to the experience that I would just sit there silently, numb and unaffected by what was going on around me. Around the same time, a friend told me about the abortion she’d had when she was 15. I knew about it at the time, but she had never mentioned it again, so I thought that it didn’t bother her. When she started talking to our group of friends, she broke down. I had never seen anything like her grief before. I hurt so much for her and wanted to take her pain away. I’d had no idea she had been carrying so much guilt around for those years. A couple of weeks later, I heard a pro-life talk. It was all things I had heard before, but somehow it hit me in a new way. I had to leave because I felt like I was going to break, just like I had seen my friend break weeks before. I cried from depths I never knew I possessed and shared my story with a friend. That was the beginning of a long, painful, and beautiful journey of healing.
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A big step forward in that journey came when I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. I experienced such comfort from knowing that I was no longer alone. I shared my story and was met with other women and men saying, ‘me too’. I began to piece together all the broken parts of my life. Somehow, they all traced back to the abortion that I’d had at 15. On that retreat, I allowed myself to acknowledge that when I conceived, I became a mother; abortion didn’t change that. This gave me permission to grieve; to be angry; to ask for forgiveness, healing and real joy again. For the first time, I honoured my baby that had died from my choice to have an abortion. His name is Joseph and he is a part of my family whom I ache to hold one day in Heaven.
Since then, I have learned healthier ways to cope. I have also learned the importance of being kind and gentle with myself as I work through the trauma. I am unravelling the story of my 15-year-old self. I am accepting that my ‘choice’ for abortion wasn’t really a choice at all, given the lack of support, pressures from my family, and the fact that I was still a child myself. Being acknowledged, accepted and not judged is helping to break down the walls that I have put up over the years to keep my abortion a secret out of crippling shame. Choosing to ask for help to heal from abortion is the best decision I ever made. After years of depression and self-hatred, at times making me not want to live any longer, I feel like I am starting to see in colour again.
*Isabel's name has been changed to protect her anonymity