'MY MUM SAID THE ONLY WAY I WOULD BE FREE FROM HIM
WAS TO HAVE AN ABORTION'
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I had gone along to my 13-week scan and it went well; the baby was healthy. I started to feel at ease. I’d had a miscarriage before but now I was getting out the danger period and was going into my 2nd trimester.
Just three days after my scan, my partner and I had another argument about one of his friends. My partner pushed me and I fell really hard on the wooden floor. I found myself back at the hospital; I was scared and worried about the baby. At the hospital I was scared to say I was pushed, so I found myself lying and saying that I slipped on the floor. I was taken up to early pregnancy. They did tests and another scan and the baby was doing fine, which I was so relieved about. After this incident, I made the choice to separate. The break up didn’t go well. I started receiving texts which were nasty, saying I would get run over. |
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He was telling people that when I had the baby, he was going to take me to court for custody, telling them I was an unfit mother and that he was going to the social work department to get the baby taken off me. I remember crying once, talking to ‘the bump’, saying: “I promise you no-one will ever hurt you”.
I was so unwell and not able to sleep, everything was going around and around in my head. I must have been awake for 5 days and was really on the edge of a break down. I had enough - wishing I was dead. My mum said the only way that I would ever be free from him was to have an abortion. The next day I went along to the doctor and told her I wanted to have an abortion. I was now 16 weeks pregnant and she got me an appointment for the clinic for the following week. I felt I was living in my very own nightmare, but this was real life and it was mine.
When I went to the clinic, they said I didn’t need another scan, since they were able to find my last one on the system. I was glad about this, as I didn’t want to see my baby one last time - if I had I don’t think I would have gone ahead with it. She then explained what would happen: I will have two appointments, the first one was only to take the first pill and then the second appointment for more pills and for the abortion. I would experience some light period cramps and bleeding, but the nurses would be there with me. The next few days were a blur - I don’t really remember much about them, apart from everyone was telling me I was doing the right thing. I didn’t sleep well, only having about two hours of sleep per night. On the Tuesday, I went off to my first appointment alone. I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect.
Finally, my name was called I was taken into a room with a nurse to confirm my name. She didn’t even look at me and was busy yawning. Then she went and got the pill, came back in and gave it to me with some water. I took it and then left. Nothing was explained to me. I went home and went straight to bed. I was scared to move or even go to the toilet. I didn’t want to go through with it, but I felt I had no choice. Everyone told me it’s for the best and I had already taken the first part, so there was no turning back.
I was so unwell and not able to sleep, everything was going around and around in my head. I must have been awake for 5 days and was really on the edge of a break down. I had enough - wishing I was dead. My mum said the only way that I would ever be free from him was to have an abortion. The next day I went along to the doctor and told her I wanted to have an abortion. I was now 16 weeks pregnant and she got me an appointment for the clinic for the following week. I felt I was living in my very own nightmare, but this was real life and it was mine.
When I went to the clinic, they said I didn’t need another scan, since they were able to find my last one on the system. I was glad about this, as I didn’t want to see my baby one last time - if I had I don’t think I would have gone ahead with it. She then explained what would happen: I will have two appointments, the first one was only to take the first pill and then the second appointment for more pills and for the abortion. I would experience some light period cramps and bleeding, but the nurses would be there with me. The next few days were a blur - I don’t really remember much about them, apart from everyone was telling me I was doing the right thing. I didn’t sleep well, only having about two hours of sleep per night. On the Tuesday, I went off to my first appointment alone. I was scared. I didn’t know what to expect.
Finally, my name was called I was taken into a room with a nurse to confirm my name. She didn’t even look at me and was busy yawning. Then she went and got the pill, came back in and gave it to me with some water. I took it and then left. Nothing was explained to me. I went home and went straight to bed. I was scared to move or even go to the toilet. I didn’t want to go through with it, but I felt I had no choice. Everyone told me it’s for the best and I had already taken the first part, so there was no turning back.
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On my way to the next appointment, I was being sick all the way to the hospital. I was taken round into a room with a bed and toilet. I couldn’t stop being sick. The nurse came in and gave me tablets to dissolve in my mouth, but I kept being sick every time I put them in my mouth. About two hours later still nothing had happened apart from being sick. In the early afternoon, I started to experience some light cramps. Then it started to become worse. I could hardly walk and had to crawl into the bathroom. I eventually managed to get back onto the bed which I was bent over. I realised I was having contractions. The pain was unreal I was sweaty but shaking with cold. I managed to reach the buzzer for a nurse. She came in and looked. I asked for a blanket. She said, "laying there ain’t going to help."
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'I FELT I WAS LIVING IN MY VERY OWN NIGHTMARE,
BUT THIS WAS REAL LIFE AND IT WAS MINE.' |
She left and came back with a blanket and threw it on the bed and walked back out. I couldn’t stop crying, which made me even more sick. The pain was so bad I buzzed the nurse again and asked for a pain killer which I managed to take. Then, sometime after, it came away.
Eventually it was over with and I managed to get cleaned and lay down on the bed. It must have been about 3.30, I must have fallen asleep and the nurse woke me up around 4.15pm and told me that I could go home. I could hardly walk and was shaky on my feet and felt dizzy, but I was being kicked out. I went to the bathroom to get ready. By the time I came back out, the bed was stripped and remade. I was told if I had any problems to contact NHS 24 and that was that.
I got home and went straight to bed. I was left alone by my family. I woke back up around 11pm with a feeling of emptiness. It was the strangest thing ever - I couldn’t touch my belly. I will never forget what that was like. I couldn’t stop crying, what have I done? I wished I was dead.
In the days afterwards I wished I was dead; it was all I could think about. I took pills and drove over the Erskine Bridge many times - I drove at high speeds and took lots of risks. I didn’t care if I died. I also wanted to get pregnant again. I wasn’t coping. I needed someone to talk to, I did some looking online for counselling and came across Abortion Recovery Care Helpline. ARCH saved me.
Two years have passed since the day of my abortion, which I do think about a lot. It will never leave me, but I have learned how to live with it. On anniversary dates, I felt like I was reliving it over again – every time I looked at the time I knew exactly what stage I was at and how I was feeling, like watching a movie in my head.
I wish the clinics knew we are not just another statistic. If I had the chance to actually sit down and talk to someone beforehand, I know that I wouldn’t have gone through with the abortion. We are rushed through the process and before we know it, it’s too late - or at least they make us feel that way. They don’t take into account that our hormones are already going crazy, along with the stress of what else is going on in our life to put us in this situation to begin with. They should take the time out to sit with people, instead of rushing them.
It’s been the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could turn back time, but I can’t. I would say to any woman: sit and speak with someone. I would tell them what I went through and what I have to live with each day. Abortion is not solving your problems. It’s making them worse.
Eventually it was over with and I managed to get cleaned and lay down on the bed. It must have been about 3.30, I must have fallen asleep and the nurse woke me up around 4.15pm and told me that I could go home. I could hardly walk and was shaky on my feet and felt dizzy, but I was being kicked out. I went to the bathroom to get ready. By the time I came back out, the bed was stripped and remade. I was told if I had any problems to contact NHS 24 and that was that.
I got home and went straight to bed. I was left alone by my family. I woke back up around 11pm with a feeling of emptiness. It was the strangest thing ever - I couldn’t touch my belly. I will never forget what that was like. I couldn’t stop crying, what have I done? I wished I was dead.
In the days afterwards I wished I was dead; it was all I could think about. I took pills and drove over the Erskine Bridge many times - I drove at high speeds and took lots of risks. I didn’t care if I died. I also wanted to get pregnant again. I wasn’t coping. I needed someone to talk to, I did some looking online for counselling and came across Abortion Recovery Care Helpline. ARCH saved me.
Two years have passed since the day of my abortion, which I do think about a lot. It will never leave me, but I have learned how to live with it. On anniversary dates, I felt like I was reliving it over again – every time I looked at the time I knew exactly what stage I was at and how I was feeling, like watching a movie in my head.
I wish the clinics knew we are not just another statistic. If I had the chance to actually sit down and talk to someone beforehand, I know that I wouldn’t have gone through with the abortion. We are rushed through the process and before we know it, it’s too late - or at least they make us feel that way. They don’t take into account that our hormones are already going crazy, along with the stress of what else is going on in our life to put us in this situation to begin with. They should take the time out to sit with people, instead of rushing them.
It’s been the biggest mistake of my life. I wish I could turn back time, but I can’t. I would say to any woman: sit and speak with someone. I would tell them what I went through and what I have to live with each day. Abortion is not solving your problems. It’s making them worse.
*Ellie's name has been changed to protect her anonymity.