'I WAS TOLD I'D BE AN UNFIT MOTHER
BECAUSE OF MY ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION'
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As a young woman, my early years were difficult and emotionally traumatic. During this time, I struggled with lack of self-worth, depression, anxiety and was prescribed antidepressants by my GP. I also used alcohol, resulting in many unhappy relationships with the opposite sex. I was 17 years old at the time.
On return from a holiday romance in 1988, I realised I was pregnant. This was confirmed by my GP who referred me for an abortion, saying "mentally I would be an unfit mother" because of my prior anxiety and depression. I signed the consent form believing I had no other choice, as there was no support from either family or friends. My immediate reaction of relief was short-lived. It was replaced by shame, guilt, self-condemnation, darkness, depression, fear and terror. It felt as if my life was over. I couldn't stand these feelings. They were so painful. I felt alone, isolated and ostracised. I went out drinking the night of my abortion and had a one-night stand. I was searching for something I had lost. I didn't know where my baby had gone, I sadly thought I'd find my baby somewhere out there. I couldn't face what I had done; my baby was dead and I hated myself. To anaesthetise the pain, I abused alcohol and had many abusive relationships. I was addicted to alcohol for 17 years. I cried silent tears. I often had nightmares of seeing dead babies in chains. I couldn't keep a job, made many bad choices and was promiscuous for a time. |
'I COULDN'T STAND THESE FEELINGS.
THEY WERE SO PAINFUL. I FELT ALONE, ISOLATED, AND OSTRACISED.' |
In my search for peace, I found Abortion Recovery Care and Helpline (then called BVA). It was incredibly comforting to be heard, to be listened to. I had never experienced compassion and unconditional love like that before. It was a new beginning. I am so thankful to ARCH for giving me a voice, respect, dignity, love and the permission to grieve for my baby.